Well the Christmas festivities are well and truly under way, by which I mean it’s impossible to sit through one ad break without my kids believing that their parents have enough money and indeed storage to buy the East Wing of Toys R Us.
One of the first thing that flashes through my mind (aside from that third shot of tequila) when thinking about big purchases is where the family will go on holiday. Holidays are great for voice artists like me because we can work anywhere in the world. We can either find a local studio, or we can set up something simple using a decent laptop and microphone.
So without having to worry about work, the major consideration is where to go. This year, we opted to stay in the UK and try a family orientated resort. OK, it was Butlins and actually I quite liked it so don’t judge me! And for me, the real advantage is not having to go through an airport.
Firstly, they tell you that they’ve beefed up security at the airports but have they, really? Because they’re still asking the same questions aren’t they? Did you pack the bag yourself? Could anyone else have interfered with it?
Now I don’t know about you but I think…the terrorists….might know the answers. What did they think was happening on September the 10th? “Abdul, what did you get for question 1? So I do pack the bag myself? Dip me in hummus man, I almost falafelled the whole thing up.”
Sure, it’s no picnic going through the airport but there are some treats in store even before you arrive at your holiday destination. For me, it’s the pilot’s ‘welcome on board’ announcement – especially if you’re flying with someone like Easyjet. There’s two very distinct styles. There’s your traditional “Well good afternoon ladies and gentleman, my name is Captain Sebastian Double Barrelled the third welcoming you on board our flight to Malaga where my parents own three castles. Flight time approximately two hours, we’ll be cruising at an altitude of you’re not even listening to me any more are you, you bunch of ungrateful borderline pikeys…just went straight for the in flight mag just to see how much we’d charge you for a third of a tube of Pringles and a fun sized can of coke… and we should be underway in just a couple of minutes so sit back, relax and enjoy the flight”.
Then there are the other pilots, who seem to have blurred the distinction between commercial airline…and local fairground attraction. “Well hello there ladies and gentleman and welcome to this Easyjet flight to Sunny Malta. My name’s Gavin and I’ll be trying my best to keep this crazy tin tube in the air. Up with me here in the cockpit is Terry – he’s mental, and making sure this is a party plane in the cabin we’ve got Fizzy, Dizzy and Graham (there’s always a Graham). It’s gonna be a great flight and remember girls, the louder you scream, the faster we go!” New riders now hold tight.
And why can’t they just be honest with us at the other end. “Thanks for flying with us today. We recognize that you have a choice and give yourself a well earned pat on the back for spending an extra half hour on line to work out that we were 50 pence cheaper than Ryanair.” Because here at Easyjet we love to help you embrace your inner chav.
These are the voices that swim around in my head and as I look forward to Christmas, I wonder just how many of them I can get recorded in a professional capacity.